Diapers, Bottles, & Kages
by 2-feathers-and-a-stone
Summary: He was a  shinobi & a well know genius who has saved his village many times, killed Aktsuki with his own hands, & can handle not 1 but 2 psycho brother in laws. So he should be able to handle own child? Right? Right! This won't be good.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the songs Freak Me or Dirty Pop, any TV shows, nor do I own the name Hatsune. That is by Rama Chan whose picture entitled Three Shinobis and a Baby that made me & my friend Iroka aka Ino have hour long conversation that spawned this. You can on to my profile for a link if you haven't seen it she's the best ShikaTem not to mention Naruto artist I've ever seen!

Also this was a pretty much joint project with Iroka I just actually wrote it down but she helped me with the madness so she gets credit too!

Here is the story I promised everyone on my other story Holidays that I would post this week! Enjoy!

**Diapers, Bottles, & Kages**

Shikamaru wasn't stupid in the slightest he knew Temari was staring down at him as he slept or at least pretended to. He also knew for a fact she knew he wasn't really sleeping & was in fact blatantly ignoring her in hopes she'd get bored then walk away. So he continued his pretend sleep even when a 15 pound weight was put on his chest. Or at least till it started fidgeting & grabbing his hair.  
>"OW!"He yelled finally relenting on his pretend sleep as the little hand tugged his hair hard.<br>"Well look who's up." She said looking down at him as he attempted to get the little hand to let go of his hair which soon turned into an epic battle of baby vs. man.  
>"You're dressed early." He observed watching the small baby on his chest playing with a good chunk of his now missing hair as his hand moved to the now bald spot.<br>"Got a mission from Gaara." She said laughing as the baby now waved the hair in Shikamaru's face almost as if mocking him this baby sure did take after her mom.  
>"So what are you going to do with Hatsune?" He asked as she looked at him like he was the dumbest person on the face of this earth, which face it he was sometimes.<br>"Daddy's going to watch her." She said walking out of the room he jumped up to quickly follow her but then had to back track realizing he had left the baby on the bed.  
>"You can't leave me with this thing!" He said watching as Temari walked towards the door.<br>"You are in fact Hatsune's dad. I think you can handle it. Besides it's just on the other side of town I'll be back around dinner." She said looking at the shocked look on his face.  
>"But what if it needs food or makes noise or something?" He asked still trying to figure out how he could last a whole day alone with a baby.<br>"Then you take care of it. I put some milk in bottles in the fridge so food shouldn't be a problem you know where everything else is. So handle it!" Temari said in an annoyed tone before going & giving the tiny baby a kiss before looking at him. "Lose her & I'll make sure you won't be a father to anymore children ever. Got it?" She threatened him walking out of the house.  
>"Love you too?" He asked watching her leave before looking down at the bundle in his arms. "Well what do you think we should do?"<br>The only answer he received was a quiet deep breathing as she had fallen asleep. "I like the way you think."

Shikamaru was soon asleep on the couch with baby Hatsune safely tucked away in her brand new portable carrying crib aka a laundry basket filled with towels & underwear tied to a string so he could pull it around. The whole day had been very quiet that was till someone pounded on his apartment door waking both the sleeping inhabitants.  
>"Yo open up!" A very familiar voice called out causing the baby to cry.<br>"Oh crap don't cry don't cry!" He said pulling the string causing the basket to slide across the room.  
>"What are you doing to my niece?" Gaara said using his sand to pick the lock well he was till he realized it took too long &amp; kicked the door off the hinges causing it to fly across the apartment.<br>"It's loud mouth there who scared her & I don't blame her though your one scary kitty cat! Please don't kill me." Shikamaru said holding up the baby as a shield of human cuteness.  
>"It's like a tiny person!" Kankuro said knowing he had been defeated by the cuteness shield. "Fine not this time but next time your mine Nara."<br>"We came to see how our little niece is dealing with you." Gaara said sitting down on the couch ignoring the door that had seemed to land a few feet away.  
>"Good I was actually just going to feed her. Kankuro could you get the bottle out of the fridge &amp; heat it up?" Shikamaru asked but before Kankuro could object he held up the baby shield yet again.<br>"It's got cheeks!" Kankuro sighed defeated as he turned to the kitchen to make a bottle as the other two men sat in an awkward silence.  
>"So uhhh Gaara you going to fix that door?" Shikamaru asked looking at the door Gaara just shook his head.<br>"No." Gaara said not even looking at the door.  
>"Your sister will kill me you know that right?"<br>"Yes." Gaara said simply.  
>"Great." Shikamaru said with a sigh as Kankuro walked in testing the bottles heat on his wrist with a burping towel over his shoulder.<br>"Where'd you learn that?" Gaara asked watching his brother who shrugged.  
>"A Baby Story it's on The Learning Channel." He said handing the bottle &amp; rag over as both men looked at him odd. "It's educational! Besides these babies got it made this milk is pretty good." He said licking it off his wrist.<br>"Uh you know that's baby milk right not normal milk right?" Shikamaru asked as he started feeding the very hungry baby.  
>"Still good." He said sitting down Shikamaru decided it was better not to question or even think about that statement.<br>"So do you guys want to watch TV or something?" He offered in a vain attempt to relieve the awkward silence that seemed to fill any room Gaara ever entered.  
>"Hell yeah! Kate Plus 7 is on!" Kankuro said reaching for the remote.<br>"I thought it was 8?" Shikamaru asked confused.  
>"Yeah but seems that she left one in the back of a rental car somewhere but apparently doesn't care much because she never went back for it. But either way we aren't watching that." Gaara said using his sand to snatch the remote away from Kankuro.<br>"KATE!" Kankuro cried sadly.  
>"Well then what are we going to watch?" Shikamaru asked wondering what in the world Gaara would watch in his free time. What could possibly keep the attention of some psycho mad man?<br>"God no!" Shikamaru cried out helplessly.

Oh yes it had to be worse torture he could of ever thought of! It seemed very fitting of the psycho to torture him & Kankuro but it had been 2 hours he wasn't sure how much more he could take of this mental torture before he snapped.  
>"Well it looks like I am still able to catch the last half of My Super Sweet 16 marathon! We are in luck guys." Gaara said looking through the TV guide.<br>"It's already been 4 episodes Gaara don't you think that's enough?" Kankuro said.  
>"IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!" Gaara snapped evilly at them causing little baby Hatsune to cry.<br>"Look what you did you scared her!" Kankuro scolded his brother who was too busy watching MTV to care.  
>"Its fine she probably just needs to be burped." Shikamaru said jumping into father mode trying to get the baby to burp. It took a few very, very frustrating baby wailing minutes but soon there was a burp loud enough to cause even Gaara to turn looking at the baby.<br>"Woah how in the world did it just do that?" Kankuro asked looking at Hatsune in what could only be admiration.  
>"I don't know." Shikamaru said holding the baby up to looking at her before pulling her away as far as he could. "Oh lord it smells as bad as it sounded."<br>"That's my niece." Gaara said turning back to his show or well at least tried till the wailing started up again.  
>"What's wrong now?" Shikamaru said as he started rocking the baby trying to get her to stop.<p>

After close to an hour all the boys sat in the living room the baby still wailing on the floor in front of them.  
>"What does she want?" Kankuro asked trying his best to entertain her with his puppets having no affect.<br>"I don't know! She's fed, burped, I carried her, rocked her, put her on the floor, you guys tried, we tried to make her laugh. I don't know maybe I broke her!" Shikamaru said panicked at the thought of what a certain blonde sibling would do if she found out what he did.  
>"Play music." Gaara finally spoke up causing the other two to look at him almost in shock he sighed &amp; explained. "Temari said she loves music."<br>"Good idea." Kankuro said getting up & running over to the stereo hitting the play button causing music to blast.

_Let me lick you up and down_  
><em>Til you say stop<em>  
><em>Let me play with your body baby<em>  
><em>Make you real hot<em>  
><em>Let me do all the things you want me to do<em>  
><em>Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you<em>

Both Kankuro & Gaara turned their stare over to Shikamaru who couldn't help but turn bright red.  
>"We haven't used that stereo in a while. She should like it thought it helped make her." He said mumbling the last part ignoring the disgusted looks.<br>"Anyways we're not going to pervert this innocent little one." Gaara said sending his sand over to the stereo with a little too much force causing the stereo to suffer a brutal sand burial.  
>"Well that's just great now what are we going to do? What a drag." Shikamaru said looking down at the still crying baby. That was when something no one ever thought in the history in the world would ever happen Gaara sat next to the baby &amp; started singing the only song he knew.<p>

_Sick and tired of hearing_  
><em>All these people talk about<em>  
><em>What's the deal with this pop life?<em>  
><em>And when is gonna fade out?<em>  
><em>The thing you got to realize<em>  
><em>What we doing is not a trend<em>  
><em>We got the gift of melody<em>  
><em>We gonna bring it till the end<em>

Kankuro & Shikamaru both looked at Gaara like he had lost his mind. When in the world did Gaara sing? How did he know N*sync? And why did Shikamaru soon feel the urge to join him? With a sigh he sat down by Gaara & the baby before taking a breath.

_It doesn't matter_  
><em>'Bout the car I drive or<em>  
><em>What I wear around my neck<em>  
><em>All that matters<em>  
><em>Is that you recognize<em>  
><em>That it's just about respect<em>  
><em>It doesn't matter<em>  
><em>About the clothes I wear<em>  
><em>And where I go and why<em>  
><em>All that matters<em>  
><em>Is that you get hyped and<em>  
><em>We'll do it to you every time<em>

That was the point where Kankuro started feeling left out so he ran over to join the other two belting out the next part with them.

_Do you ever wonder why_  
><em>This music gets you high?<em>  
><em>It takes you on a ride<em>  
><em>Feel it when your body<em>  
><em>Starts to rock<em>  
><em>(Your body starts to rock)<em>  
><em>Baby you can't stop<em>  
><em>(You can't stop)<em>  
><em>And the music's all you got<em>  
><em>Come on now<em>  
><em>This must be, pop<em>

_Dirty pop_  
><em>Baby bet you can't stop<em>  
><em>I know you<em>  
><em>Like this dirty pop<em>  
><em>This must be<em>

Gaara smirked at the other two as they had joined them & then at the little girl between them. At this point Kankuro had gotten up & started dancing. Shikamaru held back a laugh before he started singing again.

_Now, why you wanna try_  
><em>To classify the type of thing<em>  
><em>We do<em>  
><em>'Cause we're just fine<em>  
><em>Doin what we like<em>  
><em>Can we say the same for you?<em>  
><em>Tired of feelin all<em>  
><em>Around me animosity<em>  
><em>Just worry about yours<em>  
><em>'Cause I'ma get mine<em>  
><em>Now people can't you see<em>

Gaara watched as Kankuro grabbed Shikamaru forcing him up to dance with him. Gaara just rolled his eyes before he continued their little song.

_It doesn't matter_  
><em>'Bout the car I drive or<em>  
><em>The ice around my neck<em>  
><em>All that matters<em>  
><em>Is that you recognize<em>  
><em>That it's just about respect (oh)<em>  
><em>It doesn't matter<em>  
><em>About the clothes I wear<em>  
><em>And where I go and why<em>  
><em>All that matters<em>  
><em>Is that you get hyped and<em>  
><em>We'll give it to you every time<em>

Just then Kankuro grabbed Gaara up & before he could argue he found himself dancing boy band style with the other two as they all sang.

_Do you ever wonder why (Why?)_  
><em>This music gets you high?<em>  
><em>(Gets you high)<em>  
><em>It takes you on a ride<em>  
><em>Feel it when your<em>  
><em>Body starts to rock<em>  
><em>(Your body starts to rock)<em>  
><em>Baby you can't stop<em>  
><em>(You can't stop)<em>  
><em>And the music's all you got<em>  
><em>Baby come on<em>  
><em>This must be, pop<em>

_Ooh_  
><em>Man I'm tired of singing<em>

_Dirty, dirty, dirty pop_  
><em>Dirty pop<em>  
><em>Do you ever wonder?<em>

They were so busy dancing & singing in there little mock N*Sync that they didn't even notice the hyper active blonde joining them. He ran into the room joining the song & dance in perfect time. Which was expected because everyone knew that Naruto was N*Syncs #1 fan in all of Konoha.

_Do you ever wonder why_  
><em>(Every wonder why)<em>  
><em>This music gets you high?<em>  
><em>(Gets you high)<em>  
><em>It takes you on a ride<em>  
><em>Feel it when your<em>  
><em>Body starts to rock<em>  
><em>(When your body<em>  
><em>Starts to rock)<em>  
><em>Baby you can't stop<em>  
><em>(Baby don't stop)<em>  
><em>And the music's all you got<em>  
><em>Come on now<em>  
><em>This must be<em>

_Do you ever wonder why_  
><em>(Ever wonder why)<em>  
><em>This music gets you high?<em>  
><em>(Music gets you high)<em>  
><em>It takes you on a ride<em>  
><em>Feel it when your<em>  
><em>Body starts to rock<em>  
><em>(When your body<em>  
><em>Starts to rock)<em>  
><em>Baby you can't stop<em>  
><em>The music's all you got<em>  
><em>This must be<em>

As they finished the song all 4 of them crashed in different spots around the living room all out of breath.  
>"Ok Gaara I thought we made a pact as the biggest N*Sync fans in Konoha &amp; Suna if you were going to do this you had to invite me!" Naruto said slightly upset that no one invited him.<br>"We didn't do it for fun Naruto it was an emergency." Gaara said quietly before looking at the young baby in the portable baby crib/laundry basket.  
>"She looks confused." Kankuro said looking down at the baby who looked at them all in confusion before she started bawling loudly again.<br>"Argh I thought we had it that time." Shikamaru said falling back onto the ground.  
>"Maybe you did break it." Kankuro said quickly grabbing the bottle off the coffee table emptying contents into his mouth as they all looked at him like he was an idiot. "Ahh better."<br>"That's from your sister's breast." Shikamaru said simply as the puppeteer started to spit violently all over the floor.  
>"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!I THOUGHT YOU MEANT IT WAS FORMULA!" He yelled grossed out causing all of them to laugh well Shikamaru &amp; Naruto but Gaara managed a small smile. They all laughed while the poor little baby continued to cry her little heart out.<br>"Hey you guys what's that smell? It reeks in here." Naruto said looking around Shikamaru held back the urge to smash his head into the wall at the suddenly obvious issue causing Hatsune to cry.  
>"It needs to be changed." Shikamaru said realizing that was the problem the whole time.<br>"Then change it." Kankuro said looking at him.  
>"I would but…" He said still staring at the small baby in front of him.<br>"You don't know how to change it?" Kankuro looked at him almost disgusted.  
>"No never had to. You do it. You should know you watch all those TLC shows." Shikamaru said as Kankuro shook his head.<br>"Sorry they never showed that. What about you Naruto?" Kankuro said looking at Naruto.  
>"Nope. What about you Gaara can you change it?" Naruto said looking at Gaara who looked genuinely confused.<br>"Change it into what?" Gaara asked looking lost as Shikamaru face palmed.  
>"Ok this is going to be interesting. Come on you guys." Shikamaru said picking up what he realized was a very stinky baby making a face.<br>"Oh no I am not doing that." Kankuro said but before he or anyone else could argue Shikamaru held up the baby shield yet again.  
>"Look at its little hands! DAMN IT! I'm coming" Kankuro sighed in defeat as he &amp; the other men walked into the babies room.<p>

"Ok first thing I think we need to do is get this outfit off." Shikamaru said pulling down the little pants putting them to the side looking at the onesie the baby was in.  
>"Are the buttons on the crouch of that shirt? That's just weird." Naruto said voicing the general consensus of the group but with a sigh Shikamaru undid the buttons pulling the outfit up to show their newest enemy the dirty diaper.<br>"Ok is everyone ready?" Shikamaru asked as a sudden silence had entered the room as his hands slowly moved to the diaper. None of them bothered to answer him as he slowly undid the diaper.  
>"OH MY GOD!" Shikamaru said putting an arm up to his face hoping to block out the foul smell.<br>"Is it supposed to be that color?" Gaara asked in shock.  
>"How is there so much!" Kankuro said looking before Naruto pushed him out of the way.<br>"I am going to be Hokage I don't need this!" The young blonde said running as far, far away as he could. Quickly closing the diaper back up Shikamaru did his normal thinking pose trying to figure out what to do after a few moments he stood & looked at the Sand brothers.

"So first we need to clean her." Shikamaru said calmly.  
>"How do we do that?" Kankuro asked Shikamaru looked at him thinking for a moment.<br>"Shower." Shikamaru said grabbing the baby walking to the bathroom followed by the other two. "Ok Kankuro turn on that shower make sure it's not hot."  
>"Right." Kankuro said turning the shower on as Gaara used his sand to grab the dirty diaper &amp; threw it out the closest open window on some poor soul walking down the street. Then using a combo of sand, shadows, &amp; chakra strings they managed to get the baby into the shower washing her dirty areas. After a moment of holding the poor child in a very unusual position they figured they had cleaned her well enough.<br>"Ok she's good." Shikamaru said pulling the soaking wet child back to them. "Now we need to dry her off." He said looking around grabbing the nice towels off the rack drying the babies butt. "Kankuro get a diaper."  
>"Why do I have to do everything why not Gaara?" Kankuro complained till Shikamaru just held up the baby shield as the puppeteer walked away defeated again for what seemed like the 10th time that day.<br>"Maybe we should have taken that outfit off before we did the water?" Gaara pointed out the soaking wet onesie.  
>"Your right didn't think about that. But meh she's not going out." Shikamaru said pulling off the wet clothing throwing it on the counter as Kankuro came back with the diaper.<br>"Found one!" He said triumphantly walking back into the bathroom diaper in hand.  
>"Good let's see next should be powder everyone look for powder." Shikamaru said as they all started to dig through the cabinets in the bathroom.<br>"What about this?" Gaara said holding a small bottle that read "Channel Shimmer Powder" Shikamaru took it with a shrug.  
>"It says powder." Shikamaru said pouring a good portion of the small bottle of powder on the baby's bottom.<br>"Wow your baby's ass looks like a stripper." Kankuro said with a laugh looking at the glittery butt.  
>"Powder is powder now hand over the diaper." Shikamaru said grabbing the diaper from Kankuro. After a few minutes of trying to figure out where the legs went &amp; what was front or back they had managed to get the diaper on how they assumed was correct.<br>"Haha got it!" Shikamaru said losing his usual bored tone for a more excited one feeling like a good dad as he could defeat a diaper.  
>"Not quiet how's it going to stay on?" Kankuro pointed out moving it to show the diaper wasn't actually connect just laying on the baby's stomach.<br>"Crap." Shikamaru said in a defeated tone.  
>"I know." Gaara said as he started digging through his gourd. First he pulled out a blank scroll, then some pens, then some empty water bottles, the a laptop, then an alarm clock, cell phone, pack of unopened Peeps, an action figure of both Aqua man &amp; Sasuke, Sex For Dummies with Property of Sai written across the front, a sterling silver picture frame with a picture of KISS, some lotion, some kleenex &amp; finally what he had been looking for.<br>"Found it." Gaara said pulling out a roll of duct tape.  
>"You carry duct tape in your gourd?" Shikamaru asked looking at the Kazakage weird he simply nodded.<br>"Yes in case of emergencies." Gaara said as he walked over & started to duct tape the diaper closed meaning he literally took the duct tape wrapping it around the diaper many times. "She isn't getting that off."  
>"Gentlemen I think we did it." Shikamaru said proudly as all three of them admired their work.<p>

Temari walked back to her apartment carrying some take out bags in each hand knowing that her lazy genius would not have made himself any food. She just hoped that he remembered to feed the baby. Walking up she started rearranging the bags in her hand so she'd be able to open the door but she soon realized that wouldn't be needed as her door was no where in sight. Walking causally into her apartment she set the food down looking at the 3 three men as they started almost transfixed on the latest episode of 16 & Pregnant while the baby lay fast asleep in a basket of her freshly cleaned clothes.  
>"So whose fault is it that I don't have a door?" She asked putting a hand on her hip. None of the boys answered but Kankuro &amp; Shikamaru pointed to Gaara never taking their eyes off the screen.<br>"Uh huh & who put my baby in the laundry without any clothes?" She said picking up the baby who was now curling up against her mother. Yet again none of them answered this time though Gaara & Kankuro pointed to Shikamaru. She sighed getting annoyed.  
>"You know you're all lucky I'm in a real good mood or beat all 3 of you already." She said taking the sleeping bundle down the hall to get dressed. That's when the 3 men noticed the sudden lack of noise &amp; looked down the hall.<br>"WHAT THE F*&%! WHO THE F*&$ DID THIS S&%*#" (Sorry we have to censor the rest of this because let's face it Temari's dirty mouth isn't going to stop anytime soon)  
>"Looks like she found the bathroom." Kankuro said getting up.<br>"Looks like it's also time for us to leave." Gaara said following.  
>"For the love of God take me with you!" Shikamaru pleaded with the two brothers who looked down at the young shinobi then to the yelling down the hall.<br>"Come with us." Gaara said as they all quickly made there exit.

* * *

><p>There ya go hope you all enjoyed! Remember R&amp;R!<p> 


End file.
